Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese

i saw “independence day” in the theater in 1996, and friends, i will never forget the way the entire audience literally and ecstatically CHEERED when the dog escaped from the explosion. that dog could have won an election for president with like 95% of the vote in july, 1996

My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.

Oops, I ate my feelings again.

~ a memoir

lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.

PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em

Reasons my 4yr old is crying:

She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.

Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.

It’s the redoucheflex

#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years

Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.

Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.

Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.

[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex

[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?

[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?

detective: can you describe the crime scene?

me: which one i seen lots of crimes.

vader: i am your father!

luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes

vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?

luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much

vader: i swear, i nev-

luke: you make me sick

last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht

Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.

What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.

Dr: Have you been exercising?

Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex

GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—

DOLPHIN: What’s that one?

GOD: That’s an e.

DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.

GOD: But you—

DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.

“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing

If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.

Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.

Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?

Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.

Celine Dion: all by myself

CDC: good

CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself

CDC: sorry but them’s the rules

I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.

Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.

imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…