Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?

If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.

Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….

zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all

poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment

[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”

Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.

I visited my doctor today.

He told me my sugar was too high.

So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf

Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.

Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.

People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”

Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.

CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap

Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on

Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.

There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.

Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.

I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…

I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”

If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.

Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”

You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.

If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this

Them: How many calories do you eat each day?

Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.

[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?

so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”

Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.

Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?

“Damnit!”

-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.

Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.

Son: am I adopted?

Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.