Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.

Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!

Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.

urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium

“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”

-Unorganized Crime

If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.

there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭

Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”

If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.

Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games

GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?

MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…

GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?

Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?

Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee

Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”

Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…

Then it’s a soap opera!

My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.

changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded

There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.

financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?

me:

My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.

[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?

That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.

Venn

[deciding when to tweet]

Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet

Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album

Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”

Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?

Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.

I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”

To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”

Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.

doctor: describe your morning routine

me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance

doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g

me: I know how it’s spelled