[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
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damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
our love story in four pictures
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead