(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
You Might Also Like
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
craving $300 all of a sudden
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Does your wife know you’re single?