(me as a paramedic)

*rubbing two cymbals together*


*slams cymbals together*


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I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.


*Turns up “Eye of the Tiger”*

*air boxes*

*jumps imaginary rope*

*takes awesome nap*

*crowned World Nap Champion third day in a row*


Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no


It’s been 7 years since Prince told Kim Kardashian to get off the stage.


date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes


When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.


ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]

HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!

M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome


My grandma sent the entire newspaper to me in the subject line of an email.


When they ask me in a job interview what my greatest weakness is, I always say that I can’t open my eyes under water