me as a parent
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When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
i don’t need to touch grass i need to touch one million dollars cash
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.