Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saying “let me show you how it’s done”

– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killer

Saying “this is how we do it”

– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck

Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.

*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.

We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”

Hm.
No kidding?
HUH.
Really?
Wow, I did not know that.

– me, reading my daughter’s Driver’s Ed textbook

The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.

Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded

A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.

*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*

It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.

Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.

My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it

– me flirting

ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*

My goal weight is:

2020 never happened.

writers really said: what if homework… was a career.

GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!

SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.

GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.

MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.

[feeding the cat]

Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.

Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.

Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.

Cat: I’m really hurt.

Me:

Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.

Me: I’ll cook

Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?

*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired

*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard

*start a fire*
People: calm down

Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.

Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile

8: what did he do?

Ex: what do you think he did?

8: he drove while drinking

Ex: yes

8: AGAIN?!

[Bartending]

Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin

Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that

A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store

I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.

Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?

Me: *chainsaw noises*

Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?

BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep

I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.

Babe, you’re just perfect for me

Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man