me as a parent
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Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
just witnessed a drug deal
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Put the is in disheveled
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.