[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
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DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Good news: I set an all time high today!
Bad news: It’s my cholesterol.
re there other nogs or do we only have the egg one?
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
I’m not saying I order from Amazon a lot, but I just received a wedding invitation from my delivery guy…
what’s this 9 year gap in your resume?
Me: oh that? someone bought me a Rubik’s cube
Asked my mom what her birthday plans were and she told me she’s disappointed In me bc I don’t have a wife?? 💔
Correlation???
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it