Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔

Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.

If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year

My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.

There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.

1. You
2. All the other idiots

Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined

Me: no

amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday

One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.

Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.

[First day at Amazon]

me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*

manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol

Sober me: I hate drunk people

Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT

Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.

ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”

Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.

5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.

This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….

Long story short….Send bail money…

Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this

3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy

[police chasing man on foot]

Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!

Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.

Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.

Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.

Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin

Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes

Me: All vans are moving vans LOL

Her: And this is why we’re leaving

The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day

You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.

Them: your little girl is such a sweetheart

Me: [knowing my kids are just like me] give it a minute

[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it

The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.

Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most

Eating my way out of the ball pit.

Voting for coroner