Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.

WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you

Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.

Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins

Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-

Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed

Me: … that long

Me: 46 and out of shape

Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket

– dinner –

Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes

I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.

Wife: Who is it?

Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball

Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]

At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.

Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids

Wife: When?

Me: Between 2 and 5

Wife: Ok

Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6

Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…

Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best

Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Correct.

You have tattoos and curves?

*unbuttons pants*

You’re also batshit crazy?

*takes off pants*

You listen to Paramore?

*puts on clothes*

ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.

FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.

Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.

If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.

Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose

Me: I pick u…

Partner: I knew you lov…

Me: …nited airlines

My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands

The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.

My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”

You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.

My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.

[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best

My two-year old twin nephews are the proverbial bundles of energy. And on bath night they’re clean energy.

It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.

The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal

[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]

REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?

OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2

Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:

“spicy wet cheese”