Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.

These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.

I’m a self-made hundredaire

[birth of Jesus]

First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense

Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh

Third Wise Man: This is gold

First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit

Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time

I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.

Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone

workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them

be aware when you do a search and replace in your script to change someone’s name from Chris to Ryan that suddenly your characters are going to be talking a lot about the upcoming Ryantmas season

The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.

interviewer: what are your strengths

me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it

interviewer: what about weaknesses

me: my mom’s a mess

It’s beginning to look a lot like “everyone’s manners and driving skills have disappeared” time of year again

Doordasher handed me my food and said, enjoy the meal..

I said, you too..

I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.

If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.

Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.

Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on

“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”

*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*

“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”

[Dinner party]

ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.

HOST: MY TURTLES!

My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”

Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food

I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.

I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.

I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.

[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]

Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*

Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready

All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.

toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil

Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.

Wife: I know. It’s awful.

Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…

Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.

My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?