Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?

Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?

“…just don’t tell your mother.”

Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”

Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”

Me: “Oh, boy.”

Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?

DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!

CACTUS: 🌵

DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…

I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.

Me – how about a Border Collie

Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding

Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?

Wife: our toddler just hit me.

Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.

[later]

Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-

Daughter: I’m sorry.

Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.

9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas

reduce, reuse, recycle

“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz

The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.

My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.

[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.

Wife: but she’s only 3.

Me: I need the extra time.

Wife: why?

Me: to catch and train the owl.

I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.

i’m a 10 (tion deficit)

For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.

Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?

I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming

I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.

The Recipe for Disaster in me, recognizes the Appetite for Destruction in you.

*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil

Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.

Sweet. Free refrigerators!

Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.

ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.

JINN: Done.

[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]

JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.

ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.

My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.

“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”

-cheapskates

I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today

(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)