[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
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4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
paycheck hit i’m at michaels arts and crafts supply store telling them to bring out Michael
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
“we will go ahead and make these changes if we don’t hear from you before friday” is such an elegant way to solve problems
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back