[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
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Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
Happy for shogun. The show that dared to ask questions like “what if we have good lighting?” and “what if you can see what’s happening? Even at night???”
if you can’t find a man on a dating app, store bought is fine
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
My dad’s always complaining about the thermostat.
He’ll say to me, “Daniel, why did you get a tattoo of a Thermos?”
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Well, this certainly took a turn
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
My birthstone is pecan pie.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
I cannot begin to describe to you all how refreshing it is to me to finally see the real issues of our times being addressed
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]