Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because you like me

Cop: omg shut up I do not

What do you call a reluctant potato?

A hesitater.

DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change

ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage

I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.

A Pun enters a room and kills 10 people…

Pun in, ten dead

therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will

me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl

therapist; that’s progress

me: haven’t tried flying yet

therapist: please don’t

me: you sound just like her

Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood

Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number

they should make a thing that holds your tweet that you typed up for 27 minutes and then sends it to you and you have to affirm you actually want to post that thing you typed up 27 mins ago

not feeling fergalicious today, actually feeling pretty fergasgusting rn

Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?

Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:

Any room my wife is not in – 1%

Any room my wife is in – 92%

Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…

Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.

[First day as pig farmer]

Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right

I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.

How’s my day going?

If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.

Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend

Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.

Husband: How painful is childbirth?

Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.

H: Okay?

Me: Then Home Goods.

H: Alright.

Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –

H: *in fetal position*

*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*

Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?

I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.

Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is

Wife: That’s the Olympics

ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.

ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.

ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.

ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.

im a single issue voter and this is my issue

Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.

Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.

Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.

7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.

Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?

Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies

Doctor 1: YES!! done

My favorite part of Twisters was the throughline about the storm chasers being altruistic, ditching science to help people, like for instance telling them to go the opposite direction of the tornado, or find shelter, or “get down.” Where would these Oklahomans be without them