me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
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I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
Smile Twitter, Smile.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
New word: Biscgret.
Meaning: The feeling when someone offers you a biscuit and you refuse, and you spend the rest of your time with them secretly wishing you’d accepted the biscuit.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that