me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
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[bedtime]
daughter: dad, i’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while i’m sleeping
me: don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first
daughter: …
me: night, sweetheart
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
No one is more surprised than my kids every night when i say it’s bed time.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.