me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
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My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.