[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
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[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
My dating profile:
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
[checking IMDb while watching Planet of The Apes] …oh, the zoo! That’s what I know him from!
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs