Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*

Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”

[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship

Me: Hi.

Girl: No.

Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..

This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.

Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.

I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think

i- i did not expect this

Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?

WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*

Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.

Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear

God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?

Cat:

God:

Cat:

God: *creates dogs*

@knotta_tardfan’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.

Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here

That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.

im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s

Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?

Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it

[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]

“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.

“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.

*shrugs off responsibility*

weigh me now

Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.

Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message

eats a dozen doughnuts…

*checks for flabs*

me: I wish my dad was alive

genie: done

[elsewhere]

dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again

My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’

Not today. 😅

Some people stay longer in a toilet than in a relationship.

Yes, but you should see the other pea

~Black eyed pea probably