[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
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Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats: