Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
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All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Actually cracking up @ this
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Nah man don’t buy AirPods. You need the Sony WH-1000XM5-WHCH720N-WF1000XM5-CH520
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.