Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.

Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.

[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?

Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.

*orders pepperoni pizza*

Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.

*calls back, adds mushrooms*

I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999

Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together

Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.

Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.

I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them

*watching husband sleep*

Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”

*husband snores*

Me: “I can’t live like this.”

New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!

Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.

I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.

The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

*pronounces woah like Noah*

7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.

These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.

[watching paint dry]

“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”

“Can I borrow your charger?”

Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*

“I meant for my iPhone.”

Me: Oh, hell no.

[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS

I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks

I got a call the other day from my daughter asking if I could keep her kids over the long weekend so I said that would be fine

I don’t have a daughter, so some poor bastard is getting stuck with kids this weekend that he’s not ready for

My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole

Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.

It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.

Have we checked all food to see if exploding it makes it into something better or did we just stop with corn?

doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.

chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS

Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”

Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.

The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.

“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was

When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.