[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
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i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
when circumstances permit and someone has done something naughty or rude on the road instead of honking at them or yelling i just try to catch their eye and wag my finger in the “no no” gesture because it’s what i personally would be the most enraged by
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Batman: I’m going to adopt you, young teenager.
Robin: Great!
Batman: Here, put on these booty shorts.
Robin: Ummm….
Batman: Now, let’s do calisthenics together.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Bye, have a great day. I’ll see you after school, I tell the orange in my kid’s lunch
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Sending in my taxes
