[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
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Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
new career option?
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
😅🤣😂
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.