[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
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Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
Just put on my brand new shirt.
Now to take a big sip of coffee and check to see why Dave Grohl is trending on Twitter…
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie