[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
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Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
*looks at you in batman voice*
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Once again I find myself asking “How long can I stay in the bathroom before one of my employees realizes I’m gone?”
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
they really do be looking like this
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping