Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *posing nude for a painter*

GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.

Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”

Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”

Me: “Pretty cool, right?”

[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries

I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”

Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.

imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly

saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming

thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?

“uh… dare.”

-Pinocchio

Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.

The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?

Wonder which of us he was referring to?

I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?

So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.

I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.

Me: Hi. Can I help you?

Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand

Me: Great. Where is it?

Him: What?

Me: The nightstand.

I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.

When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.

I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.

I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.

Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?

Have kids.

Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.

Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*

McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.

I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit

[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]

PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”

Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.

WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.

WIFES FRIEND: Why?

[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]

ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.

Kids forever killing vibes 💀

I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children

Him: tell me about your longest relationship

Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?