Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The human personality is made of five key elements

It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.

Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.

Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.

Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything

How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes

This chloroform smells expensiv…

I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.

-why spelling matters

Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard

My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.

don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!

Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not

I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?

GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore

ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome

Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.

Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?

God: Yes.

Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?

God: Horizontal Pupils

Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*

God: YouTube is gonna love you.

friend: how did the neck surgery go?

me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.

I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.

Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.

My next door neighbor just stole my gate and I want to confront him about it…

But I’m worried he might take a fence.

#Jokes

COP: Tell me what you saw

ME: Jersey Boys

COP: *sighs* at the crime scene

ME: No, at the theatre

We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.

Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?

March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.

Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…

Why are there so many questions these days… you go to get money out the atm and its like 17 questions… just give me my money you damn nosy machine

I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher

“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”

“Yes”

“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”

ME: wow your correct

FRIEND: *you’re

ME: -ions are presumptuous