Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
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Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
Hubby installed a secondary rain drop shower head so now we have 2 modes.
1) Acupuncturist
2) Drowning
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE