ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
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Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
I have chosen my priorities!
#studies #exams
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000