ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
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Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*