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My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.


My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.


When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.


I wish my cat would squirt me with the water bottle when I go to eat junk food.


this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid


One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.


[marriage counseling]

She thinks I make bad decisions

“He picked a fight with a raccoon”



My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]


Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?

Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*


When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.