Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me

Me *swallows pride*

Baby lion: holy shit

What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.

me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.

cookie:

Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.

me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am

girl: i asked for water

me: patience, Linda

If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.

Whoa. I guess one dude quit:

Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?

Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.

[months from now]

CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside

Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?

me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?

coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night

Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.

Death: I’m coming for you.

Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.

Death: Lol, k.

Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.

Death: You’re not even that hot.

I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play

Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂

Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE

Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.

Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.

My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂

Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..

Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them

sugar glider wrangler

Me: No more talking. Good night.

10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?

If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.

Mornin. * use accordingly

I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”

What a cute baby, what’s her name?

“Ethel”

She’s gonna make a great grandmother

Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?

reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”

Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.