Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.

I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.

*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*

Me: To the window; to the wall.

Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.

Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?

Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.

[driving]

ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly

WIFE: ok we’re almost home

ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!

[i run in]

ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee

“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist

If you want my opinion ask my wife

LADIES imagine this,

its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little

Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*

Neighbor: I said to bring a salad

Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home

Neighbor: I don’t know that word

Me: It means ‘house’

Stages of gardening:

1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening

Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ

Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.

To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?

“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”

“Different fathers?”

“Shark attack.”

Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?

Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation

[Flashback]

King Solomon: more porcupines

Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.

“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”

Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.

-my cat.

My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.

Batman V Superman 2:

Both men agree their last battle was too destructive

They settle their differences by playing Uno

Loser leaves earth

A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.

The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.

I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.

Pro tip: Turn any sofa into a sofa bed by telling your girl to calm down.

“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”

– people with stupid names

Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep

Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.