Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Job interview with the NSA

Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!

Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..

*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*

I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open

“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.

Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.

Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names

Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”

He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.

gonna be honest, yes the bear story is odd… but also, I find nothing more relatable than making things worse by oversharing.

how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby

I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.

The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.

Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.

Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.

Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.

Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?

Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots

Him: Great! How’s it going?

Me: *very deep breath* so so

I was doing a family shoot and asked the kid (8) to step out the frame so we could get a shot of the parents kissing. The dad is kissing the mom and the kid goes ‘it’s been a long time since I’ve seen them do that’

For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”

if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot

help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.

Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”

Stan: “Hey there.”

I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.

Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.

date: tell me about yourself

me: I want to kill the moon

date: I have a bit of a dark side too

me: [narrows eyes]

My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you

[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.

ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.

{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.

Son: I want a quinceañera.

Me: You can’t have one

Son: Why not?

Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year

*ps: he is also 16*