Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.

Me: What do you have to spell?

6: Words, probably.

If kids these days had a perfume, it would be called
Audacity

“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”

The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.

Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?

Me: What kind of gravy do you have?

someone: *obvious flirt*

me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice

also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE

WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically

^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats

hello I’m britain’s greatest spy and my catchphrase is I tell you my real surname then my real forename then my real surname again in case you missed it

I’ve been watching ER and was like “wow they never wrap up any storyline. How unique. It must be to reflect how it really feels to be an ER doc, you never know what happens to your patients.” Anyway, just realized 5 eps in Hulu was cutting episodes off 7 minutes early.

The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.

For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.

Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk

The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]

It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.

What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?

When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.

[First day studying philosophy]

Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.

Me: Me?

Professor: Yes.

Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?

Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.

You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.

Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.

I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂

Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!

Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?

*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?

Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it

My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.

Wish me lick.

Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?

FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ

I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….

Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn

Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.

Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*

Me: Is it food?

“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist

“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor

Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…

I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.