Me as a therapist: omg same
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I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Doctor: Hello. Thanks for being patient
Me: Hello. Thanks for being doctor
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Explaining to my wife that she should induce labor now so our son will be the first kid named Cybertruck.
Me: No more questions your honor
Judge: The lawyers say that, not you
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
The toilet seat moving unexpectedly has to be the scariest shit that can happen to you where you’re in absolutely no danger whatsoever
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
merriam-webster followed and then unfollowed me. not very definitive of them
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
Feels
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.