Me as a therapist: omg same
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Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
how do i get recruited by a cult i need some direction in my life
For cardio I live beyond my means.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub