Me as a therapist: omg same
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If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
I want a president who promises no jobs. I don’t want to have a job
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
A visual representation of how much I think countries look like a chicken nugget. More green = more nuggety.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.