{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
You Might Also Like
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I hate everything
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*