{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
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incredible text to wake up to
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
what’s the point then??
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????