{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
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When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
Grateful for independence mostly because British food is gross
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
*power walks to the refrigerator*