Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
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Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
My kid invented a game but told me it was too complicated and I wouldn’t understand. Reader, he is throwing a stuffed animal repeatedly in the air and catching it
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …