Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Room with a view.

Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.

This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage

roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti

Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.

I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle

I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.

23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.

Henry Ford: Yes, sir.

Going down a rabbit hole if anyone wants anything

When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things

My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.

A manager I worked with when I worked in fast food told us.
There was this one kid who didn’t show up for work. He ditched work often, so the manager called around, and couldn’t get anyone to fill in his shift, so she had to fill it for him.
A few hours into his shift, the dude ditching SHOWS UP, with his friends, and orders food from that manager. She fired him on the spot

ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?

ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.

ME: I know. How about Friday?

ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…

Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books

Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer

I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end

-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!

Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.

ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me

getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy

#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas

dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”

[commercial for salad]

Do you want to feel sad when you eat?

Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.

You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.

The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online

Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.

Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds