Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How are they running out of oxygen if they’re breathing it right back into the submarine

Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.

Cat: *meow*

My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen

I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am

“Spirits, are you there?”

[ouija board] ＩＦ  ＹＯＵ  ＬＩＫＥ  ＩＴ  ＴＨＥＮ  ＹＯＵ  ＳＨＯＵＬＤＡ  ＰＵＴ  Ａ  ＲＩＮＧ  ＯＮ  ＩＴ

“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”

2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*

1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself

I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?

Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.

I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts

frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.

Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*

Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.

i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.

When’s dinner?

-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner

“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”

-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch

If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.

If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?

Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.

Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room

I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.

I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?

“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”

*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*

“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”

I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”

Nothing angers me more than tall ghosts in horror movies. No one born in 1782 was that tall. Do your research, screenwriters.

[Shopping with $100]

As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!

As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?

[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road

I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.

Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?

I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.

Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.

[if I was in horror movies, a thread]

jock: let’s split up

me: no