Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house

*our child walks in*

ME: Yeah, great job, Linda

Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.

listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,

People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.

fair

Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it

Her: idk google it

Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting

Her: *googling DIY annulment*

Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.

Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.

Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.

i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”

Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”

When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer

wife: I’m leaving you

me: is it because I cheated on you

wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen

the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os

If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.

I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…

I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”

my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:

Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no

Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?

Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating

Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow

Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout

6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.

“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”

“There are four of us.”

“You heard me.”

“I want frog legs.”

-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever

My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.

About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.

My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.

nobody:
my fish before I fry it:

We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.

After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.