[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
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A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
j o i m p
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Why is this me 😫
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.