*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
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I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
What happens when a hippie marries a mime? Peace and quiet.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.