Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.

[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*

People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”

Corgi: why are my legs so short?

God: that’s just what legs look like.

Corgi: oh cool.

[giraffe walks by]

Corgi:

God: you weren’t supposed to see that.

When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.

I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.

My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder

narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman

My kids and I both think of Martha Stewart as “the brownies lady” but for very different reasons

In England “booster shot” is spelled “borchestershire shot”.

Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.

People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old

It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?

The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.

I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.

major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already

I can’t blame you for laughing when I fell off the ladder into the pachysandra. I’d laugh too, but see there’s this ladder on top of me.

[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*

I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.

Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.

Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.

If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee

…żyje?

I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.

People fear what they don’t understand:

Change
Death
4th grade math word problems

Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.

*Takes one earbud out*

*Hears kids fighting*

*Puts earbud back in*

“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”

Me [all day]: tired

Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?

Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?

2020: The Year In Review

Everyone: No