Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.

Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit

wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.

me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.

sister-in-law: hey guys.

me: [screams and passes out]

Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.

Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:

Wife: *packing a bag*

Me: Where are you going?

W: I’m leaving you for my boss

M: Don’t go—

W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind

M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note

W: I despise you

No one ever hated their job on a Friday!

Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”

I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”

Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.

Me: [getting mugged]

THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK

Mom, look at my diarrhea.

— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair

me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”

“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force

gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD

Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years

Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.

I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!

WIFE: I’m leaving you

ME: oh no what happened?

WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore

ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this

WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-

ME: it must not have saved!

WIFE:

ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?

Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious

Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.

I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.

What

Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*

Toddler: *crashes the stock market*

social media jobs be like:

Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?

Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business

£13k, Slough

Therapist: What is your greatest fear

Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life

Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*

I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”

I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”

[train station]

Man: hey you.

Woman: Hi.

M: i’m Christian.

W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks away

M: ugh. i hate my name.

I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.

Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.

Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.