[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
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TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Story time
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
The good news is cannon deaths have gone down dramatically in the last hundred years.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*