Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.

can they shut down Teams instead of tiktok

My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family

I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.

Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.

Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.

Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious

Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok

So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.

Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.

[DATE NIGHT]

Me: You and me baby

Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?

Me: so let’s do it….?

Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!

Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*

Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”

thanking the kid in his karate uniform for his service

I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby

you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart

“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat

When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.

Thank you corporation very cool

i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…

My sons having a few friends stay over tonight

Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *check

Hopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while

[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!

Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.

If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.

Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.

I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.

Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?

My son just won the Most Unused Napkin award at dinner

PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly

My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory

I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.

I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.