Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback

If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.

Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever

Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too

My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.

I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.

“I hope this email finds you well”

The email finding me

Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am

You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.

I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps

there is asparagus
in my hairagus

and I don’t

caragus

scientist: don’t touch anything

me: [licked a petri dish already] got it

…20 minutes later

scientist: did you touch something

me: no

scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you

me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god

there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here

If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”

I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.

Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.

Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.

I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said

Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.

God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.

I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”

I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”

“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.

SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot

ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge

Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*

Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.

Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!

Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for

Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.

COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.