Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
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5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity