Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.

When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.

My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”

Cottage cheese isn’t cheese at all. That just a curd to me.

In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.

In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.

Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood

mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey

Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.

Being my friend is a walk in the park, but the park is on fire and sometimes the squirrels eat your cookies

Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.

One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.

Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that

I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.

Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.

good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”

Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.

hostess: table or booth

termite family: we’ll have both

I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.

Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.

Dear Mr. Horsefly:

Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.

Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.

Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.

5yo: Mom is 47!

Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.

Me: I’m 37.

It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.

Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.

God: I need one more rib please

Adam: No

God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem

Adam: I said NO

God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only

*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No

How did the first person to read learn how to read?

the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now