Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
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15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.
Get in loser, we’re going overthinking
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
My husband refused to get glasses. But that was before he brushed his teeth with Preparation H.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
