{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
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In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Free will was a bad idea.
I should have charged for it.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.