{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.

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“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything


Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.


*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*


[dinner at fergie’s house]

fergie: what do you think of the food i made?

me: it’s ok

fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?


I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!


Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.


If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.


[First day as a CIA agent]

Agent: Shooter approaching at 11 o’clock

Me: *looks at watch* Oh nice, we have some time then


Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.