{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
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Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out