Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*

If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.

Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once

Cathy on Facebook hates being sick.

Really Cathy ? …..Most people love it.

[when i was a kid]

DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you

[today]

MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot

ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now

If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.

You can start billing people for psychic readings.

By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers

Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination

Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.

How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?

if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.

“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly

I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.

They should make the last foot of dental floss red so you know when you’re about to run out

Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15

Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”

OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.

Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?

[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.

Him: Could you be any more annoying?

Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.

The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink

🤣😂🤣😂🤣

boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago

Something Saturday.

friend: i just had an edible

me: you can just say food

[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor

A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa

Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*

Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*

Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”

Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?

Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.

Kylo:

Leia:

Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?