Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever

A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana

… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that

A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned

HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no

“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”

If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.

Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’

amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming

[wedding]

“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”

ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR

*priest drops bible*

me: thanks for the new bath toy

her: you’re welcome

me: oh and it makes toast too?

If there’s ever an alien invasion I hope it doesn’t start while I’m asleep. I hate being woken up before my alarm.

I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side

-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral

Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.

My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420

I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.

turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey

I fixed the internet, am tech genius

*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working

The next person to ring the doorbell on a Saturday trying to sell something will be subjected to my 6yo’s full lecture on lizards, and let me warn you, it’s long

[ interview at funeral home ]

director: are you ok being around death

me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes

“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”

imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out

If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.

everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up

All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.

Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?

Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*

Friend: When I said pet with the grain

Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?

All of retail: No.