Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale

Bro sacrificed his freedom just for that joke

Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.

Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.

Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables

angel: where’d all the zebras go?

God: I put ’em in the desert

angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow

God: I know lol

[watching paint dry]

“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”

Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣

Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?

Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?

Me: we’re texting

Him: I heard it

Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.

[end of interview]

Any questions for me?

Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?

YOU ARE SO HIRED.

Me: I want to travel

Bank account: Where? To work?

“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”

-oh, u drive a school bus?

“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”

My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest

I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool

If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it

The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild

Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.

I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.

Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin

I’ll eat when I’m dead

– zombies

I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’

Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.

I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.

Prince Charming: check out the babe

Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead

Prince Charming: I should kiss her

Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?

Prince Charming: bring her what now?

I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.

fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss

My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.

Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period

“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”

~my mother after a few drinks