Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
You Might Also Like
I watched The First Omen last night and I spent most of it hiding behind the sofa. I didn’t want my neighbour to see me in her living room.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Milk teeth are wasted on children. A new set of teeth would be a lot more useful in your 30s
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym