Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WILL SMITH SLAPPED CHRIS ROCK??????

Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.

BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?

CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard

OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7

CEO: first of all, promoted

Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae

Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back

Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”

I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips

me: i will have the chicken parmesan

waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir

me: no parm, no fowl

You: make yourself at home

Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*

boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus

me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator

My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.

I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”

An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.

Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.

I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen

my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive

Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.

Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.

The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating

I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …

It’s that simple 👊🏻

Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.

i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger

me: truth or dare

government: truth

me: is Wyoming real

government: dare

I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”

Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context

COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law

ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me

People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”

*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter

Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)

Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter

My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out

Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.

You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!