Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die

me: 27

sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…

me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?

My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.

“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”

House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.

the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person

teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]

me: ok lol

[later]

me: hey what the f-

[GOP Debate]

MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?

CRUZ: what?

MODERATOR: I knew it!

Exits public bathroom stall

Makes eye contact with the person next in line

Mouths: “I’m so sorry”

The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets

Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.

Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again

Mugger: Give me your money

Me: Get ready to see some karate!

Mugger: Oh yeah?

Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag

Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.

I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.

Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.

I still like to cuddle though.

going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me

I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.

If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.

My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”

Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.

*puts stethoscope up to chest*

Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen

“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”

*Im in the bushes giggling*

Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is

I heard you like bad boys?

*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*

Sup.

Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.

My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.

Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.

First date:

*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*

Her: So, what do you do for a liv-

*bites her in half*

Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.

Google: This actor is three years younger than you.

Me: …Oh. 💀

Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.

All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”