ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
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me when I leave a friend on read: They get it. I’m overwhelmed. I isolate. I need a day to think. The kids keep me busy. I’ve got 7 appointments this week. They understand.
me when a friend leaves me on read: OMG THEY HATE MY GUTS
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
can’t bark with your mouth full
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
Cat is stressing him out.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…