ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
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dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
Am I high or is this air conditioner unit stargazing with her legs out the window right now
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Children will see a neatly hanging dish towel and be like oh hell no
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
also bring a xylophone to highlight the sound of your exaggerated tiptoes
Statisticly 6 out of 7 dwarfs arent happy…
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
I feel like people just come to the airport to cough
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend… especially the mom that many years ago was leaving a very busy playground and her kid yelled to his brother “hurry up! Mom wants too poop pretty bad!”