ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
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“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
My kid—who potentially had an allergic reaction to shrimp last week—just got extremely worried that he couldn’t eat a favorite food anymore, and I got to be the one to share the good news that whipped cream does not normally contain shellfish.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
